Shame and Guilt: Understanding, Coping, and Healing

Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding, Coping, and Healing

Shame and guilt are two emotions that often get tangled together, especially after trauma. But they are not the same. Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling like you are bad. The difference may seem small, but in reality, it’s huge! Because shame can bury itself deep, making healing feel impossible.

I know this because I’ve carried it. Even now, after years of healing, I still feel its weight sometimes. Some days, I have to actively fight back against that inner voice whispering, You should have done something differently. You should have fought harder. You should have known better. It’s exhausting, and if you’ve ever felt this way, you know exactly what I mean.

But here’s the truth: That shame does not belong to me. It does not belong to you either.

The Lies Shame Tells Us

Shame convinces us that what happened is a reflection of who we are. It makes us believe we are weak, broken, or somehow responsible. And for assault survivors, that belief can be crushing.

I remember thinking, Why didn’t I see the red flags? Why did I let my guard down? But those thoughts are traps. They rewrite the story to make it seem like we had control over something that was never our fault in the first place.

Guilt, on the other hand, can be productive. If we actually did something wrong, guilt can push us to make amends and do better. But shame? Shame keeps us stuck. It’s not something we deserve to carry, yet it clings like a shadow.

What Shame Does to Us Mentally

Shame can have a devastating impact on our mental health. It often leads to a cycle of negative thinking, self-criticism, and isolation. When we feel ashamed, we tend to withdraw from others, fearing that if they see our true selves, they will reject or judge us. This secrecy allows shame to thrive, keeping us trapped in a state of emotional pain.

Over time, unaddressed shame can lead to serious mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also contribute to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or self-harm, as we try to numb or escape the painful feelings.

Shame is a complex and typically hidden emotion. We all experience it. But oftentimes we’re not aware of the secret ways it operates.

—John Amodeo

How Trauma Causes Shame

Trauma often intensifies feelings of shame. The most intense moments of trauma are frequently moments of deep shame. For instance, survivors of abuse or violence may internalize the belief that they deserved what happened to them, or that they are somehow tainted or flawed because of it.

This toxic shame can be crippling, making it difficult to move forward or to trust others. The secrecy and isolation that come with shame can also prevent individuals from seeking the help they need, perpetuating the cycle of trauma and self-blame.

Vulnerability: The Opposite of Shame

When we speak what once seemed unspeakable, we diffuse shame’s power and start to heal.

The hardest part of my healing journey was speaking about the parts I felt the most shame over. For years, I literally couldn’t verbalize them. The words would get stuck in my throat, and even when I wanted to let them out, I couldn’t. I carried those experiences alone, thinking that if I said them out loud, they would somehow become more real, more permanent. It wasn’t until I finally opened up to a therapist that I began to loosen shame’s grip on me.

One of the most powerful antidotes to shame is vulnerability. While shame thrives on secrecy and isolation, vulnerability is about stepping into the light, allowing ourselves to be seen, flaws and all. It’s terrifying, but it’s also freeing. When I finally started talking about what had happened, I realized that the fear of speaking it was worse than the act itself. Every time I put words to my pain, it lost a little bit of its power over me.

By embracing vulnerability, we begin to dismantle the hold that shame has on us. What once seemed unspeakable becomes lighter. We realize we are not alone. And in that connection, whether it’s with a therapist, a trusted friend, or even just ourselves in a journal, we start to reclaim the parts of us that shame tried to steal.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

—Brene Brown

How I Started Releasing Shame

It took time and is taking time. There’s no magic fix, but I’ve found things that help me fight back when shame tries to take hold.

1. Affirmations (Even When I Didn’t Believe Them at First)
   Some days, I had to repeat these over and over, even when they felt hollow. But over time, they started sinking in:
   • I did nothing wrong.
   • My body’s response was survival, not weakness.
   • None of it was my fault.
   • The blame belongs to the perpetrator, not me.
   • Healing isn’t about forgetting, it’s about reclaiming my power.
2. Letting Go of ‘I Should Have…’
   I used to replay everything in my head, obsessing over what I should have done. But eventually, I realized: My brain, my body, they did what they needed to do to survive. That’s not failure, that’s resilience.
3. Placing the Anger Where It Belongs
   For so long, I was angry at myself. But that anger wasn’t mine to carry. It belonged to the person who hurt me. When I started shifting that anger away from myself, I felt lighter, like I had room to breathe again.
4. Talking About It (Even When It Was Uncomfortable)
   Shame thrives in silence. The more I spoke about my experiences (even just to myself in a journal at first), the less power shame had over me.

Shame and guilt are powerful emotions, but they don’t have to define us. Shame will try to convince you that you are permanently broken. It will whisper that you are weak, that healing is impossible. But that’s a lie.

You are not defined by what someone else did to you. You are not the sum of your worst moments. Healing doesn’t mean the pain disappears overnight, but every time you choose to fight back against shame, even if it’s just by reminding yourself, This wasn’t my fault. You are taking your power back.

And that is something no one can take away from you.

By sharing our stories and connecting with others, we can find the strength and support we need to move forward. You are not alone in this journey, and it’s okay to ask for help. Healing from shame and guilt is not only possible, but it is also a profound act of self-empowerment.

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